Every one will tell you their secret to success and what techniques and strategies they used to get there. My advice is a little twisted-- and some even say a little dark and soul-shattering. What I am about to tell you is not the norm, it's not the traditional feel-good philosophy telling you that you need to be more organized, write perfect goals, create a dream box/ vision board, or manage your time better. These are all great resources and skills to have, but this is not how you make your dreams come true--at least not in my opinion.
Making your dreams come true is all about mental toughness. It is not about talent, beauty, money, I.Q. scores, rich parents, who you know or who you sleep with (ask Monica Lewinsky). Once you are able to control how you think and feel this will automatically lead you into changing your behavior. Changing your behavior, changes your actions and changing your actions is what changes your life that ultimately leads to making your dreams come true.
Secret # 1
Only listen to the God inside of you. There is a very, very, very, quiet, subtle voice inside of you that knows what is right and wrong for you. No one else can hear this voice and this voice is not argumentative or demanding which is why many people can not hear it. I am still learning to pay attention to this voice- and this voice alone. I have made some of the biggest mistakes and achieved the greatest successes in my life because of this voice. Something told me not to follow the boy in my 8th grade class, behind the church who then raped me. Something told me to attend California Coast University, although everyone begged me not to because it is a long distance learning institution without the same prestige as a traditional university. I listened to the quiet voice and I was selected from hundreds of applications because the chairperson from my department had earned the same degree from the same school.
I don't care what the bible says, I don't care what the Koran says, I don't care what the priest says, I don't care what the preacher, your momma or your daddy says. You listen to God. He will never ever lead you wrong. His only agenda, in my opinion, is for you to share and express the unique gifts and talents that He has given you with the world in a manner that brings joy, happiness and prosperity to you and others.
How do you know it's God Voice? It's not pushy or demanding. It is deep sense of knowing of what is right or wrong. God gave us free will therefore His voice is not judgmental or forceful. God loves us unconditionally. Ask your self these questions: Will my actions hurt, humiliate, or shame someone else? Does my actions take away someone else's free-will or ability to choose their own path of happiness and joy? Will my actions make me deeply happy and content?
Secret # 2
Take every negative comment, person and experience in your life and use them as fuel to add to the fire inside your soul that will drive you to the fruition of your dreams. Many people use their negative experiences as their excuses for failure. They blame their mothers' alcohol abuse, their uncaring teachers; verbally and physically abuse family members and their daddy who was never home. After completing my GED, the admissions counselor at the community college looked me directly in my eyes and told me that I was not college material and that I should enroll in a cosmetology school because it was obvious from my appearance that I loved make up. My mouth dropped. I could not believe that this woman was telling me this to my face. Yes, granted I failed all of my classes in high school due to lack of attendance, my clothes were maybe a little too revealing (okay a lot) and I still love navy-royal blue eye-shadow and way-too-much-eyeliner and mascara, but what the hell did that have to do with my desire to attend and succeed academically at a community college to improve my life?
I wish that I could remember this admission counselor's name because I want to thank her for putting the first and biggest piece of coal in the fire of my soul that led me to earn 5 college degrees.
My first semester at the community college, I had no idea of how to take notes during a lecture, write a research paper or study for a test. But, every thought of that admissions counselor telling me that I was not college material, inspired me to work harder and remain focused. I had no desire or talent to be anybody's make-up artist. Whenever I would become frustrated and wanted to give up, I would see the admissions counselors face in my imagination and I would look directly back into her eyes and say, "Look b *t*h!," I am kidding . Sincerely I would say to her, "You are wrong. I can do whatever I want to do with my life. How dare you tell me what I can or can not do with my life! Who do you think you are?! You don't know me. You don't define me. I define me." Whenever, I felt like giving up or not studying a little longer, I thought about this woman. I realized that it didn't matter what she thought about me (she thought nothing of me), what mattered most to me is what I thought about myself. The only way I could disappoint her was by succeeding. I decided that the last person that I ever wanted to let down - was my self.
There will always be people in your life telling you what you are capable and not capable of doing or being. But you have the final say. You take every negative experience in your life as inspirational fuel to keep you motivated. Spare the world your sad sob story for failing, becoming an alcoholic or abusing drugs because of the negative people and experiences in your life. Your story will only be interesting, fun and intriguing when you are able to overcome your obstacles.
Secret # 3
Have a clear picture in your mind of what you do not want, and do the opposite. I was never lucky enough to know what I wanted to do with my life. If you asked me what I wanted to be or do with my life, I couldn't tell you, but I could definitely tell you what I didn't want. I didn't want to work in the food industry because I don't like to get dirty. I didn't want to work in the medical field in any capacity because I don't like to get dirty or be in the vicinity of a dead or dying body. I didn't want to work in an auto plant or factory because I want to wear high-heel pumps and panty-hose, plus I didn't want to break a nail. I didn't want to teach small children, because I am too immature and I would insist on taking the red lollipop which is my favorite; and I lack the ability to give them the structure and discipline they need because I would be on the floor laughing at inappropriate jokes and behaviors that need to be reprimanded. Kids are too cute and too funny for me to be the type of teacher they need to excel academically. I want to be financially independent. I earn a very good salary, but I still want to be able to call the shots in my life.
Whenever, I started to lag in school, I knew that I was becoming exactly what I didn't want to be, because the only careers that would be available to me without the proper credentials are many of the things that I absolutely did not want to do. Keep a mental picture in your mind's eye of where you will be 3, 5, 7, 10 years down the line based on your behavior today. Maybe you don't know what you want to do and that is perfectly okay. But make sure that you know what you don't want to do and use each day to move in the opposite direction. Take a variety of classes to find out what your likes and dislikes are. Well-meaning people are going to pressure you to pick a major. Don't rush into paying for a degree in a field that you aren't sure about. Knowing what you don't like can lead and inspire you in the direction of doing what you do like.
Secret # 4
Find positive people to inspire you even if they live in a book. There has never been anyone in my immediate circle who wanted the same things in life that I wanted. I can't pick up the phone and call anyone for business or financial advice. There are no role models in my immediate or distant circle who earn the level of financial independence or have achieved the level of success that I want to emulate. Most people in my inner circle chastise me for wanting so much out of life. They tell me that I am a gambler waging a bet of double or nothing. They tell me of course, your dreams can come true but what are the odds 1 to 200. Be more practical. Find an administrative position. Marry a rich man. Teach in a government program to alleviate your student loan debt. Be happy with what you have, you are so lucky to teach at a community college; do you know how many people who would die to be in your position? None of these people are negative or player haters, they just don't see my vision for my life. I have to find role models and positive people who understand my dream of success out side of my immediate environment.
The first person, I met was Iyanla Vazant, when I read her book, Value in the Valley. I thought that I would never stop crying. Iyanla helped me rediscover that little girl who loved to write. I wrote my first article and was published in several national magazines. I quit my job as a social worker with the state, wrote a program and began working for my self as an out reach therapist, as well as publishing, Triumph, my own magazine. Thank you Iyanla, I love you. There have been many others in between the first, but most recently, Russell Simmons' book, Do You, is the reason that I self-published 3 books within a 3 month period. I needed his huge piece of coal to recharge the fire in my spirit that no longer responds to negative experiences or people. I need people in my life now to take me to the next level of reaching my dreams.
My current level, I believe is the toughest and the easiest level depending on the individual. For me this level is very difficult because no one is telling me what I can't do, but that I have done enough, that I should grow up, stop dreaming, live on a tight budget and pay my bills; and save money for my retirement and pray that my children will be able to help support me in my old age. I am still very hungry and as determined as I have ever been to live the life of my dreams. Unlike people who think that you can't achieve your dreams, for some their will be people who believe that you have done enough, but only you know when you are full and what you are capable of achieving. This leads me to rule # 5.
Secret # 5
Every aspect of your life should support your dream. The job that you have should give you the financial resources, skills and/or flexibility in your schedule to spend time nurturing your dream. You must promise yourself that you will not allow your work schedule to prevent you from being able to commit to your ultimate goals. Remember the amount of money you earn is not the primary focus en route to your dreams. Think of all of your jobs as paid internships. Focus on developing psychological and tangible skills that you will be able to apply to creating your ultimate dream.
If your dream is not in the trunk of your car, in the bottom of your duffle bag, scattered on your living room floor, table, bed etc...--you are not serious about what you want to do with your life.
If you really want to write a book, you will have notebooks filled with stories or poems. If you really want to go back to school you will have financial aide papers or class schedules at your finger tip. If you are serious about completing your degree, I bet you have books, papers and other class related material nearby. If you are a guitar player in a band, you have guitar picks or strings within reach. Look at your environment and ask yourself whether or not you are serious about making your dreams come true.
Your dream should be a reality to the degree that it is physically possible. Every cell of your mind, body, soul and resources should be manifesting your dream to every level and degree that is humanly possible. If you are a serious writer you should have rejection slips, self-published books, an agent looking for a publisher, a book in the process of being published or you are currently writing your book on a computer, napkins, paper, or the wall in your bedroom. If you are simply telling people about the book you plan to write. You are kidding yourself.
Secret # 6
The greatest, most important and most beneficial assets that you will need to succeed in life is not money. The most important assets that you will need to succeed are priceless. The primary characteristic of a successful person is confidence, determination, self-discipline, and an unshakable belief in themselves to make your dreams come true. People who are "about their business" don't have time for drama or rif raf. They are like the swan, they have the inner strength, integrity and focus to protect and develop situations that are in their best interest. They may not always be well-liked or popular. They do not care about what others think about them.
Secret # 7
Only focus on what you can control. You can't make people read your book, buy your album, watch your television show or listen to you on the radio. You can't control other people's response to your paintings, sculptures or the way you dress. People have a right to like or dislike you and your dreams. The only thing that you can control is whether or not you write the book, attend the class, sing the song, or play the instrument. All you can control is how often you practice, how long you study and how much you write. No matter who you are and no matter what you do, there will always be people who disagree with you or dislike you. Who cares what other people think! What other people think of you is none of your business. What you think of you is critical to your success, happiness and overall well-being. Do your part and feel good about yourself.
Secret # 8
Be your own hero. Who do you think inspired Harriet Tubman, Marie Montessori, Madame C. J. Walker, Oprah Winfrey, or Thomas Edison? You may be the first person to cure the common cold or build a house on mars. This leads me back to rule # 1- listen to the God inside of you, believe in your self, and believe in your dream.
Validate, create, anoint and bless your own dream. If you are waiting for Oprah, a book agent, a music producer, or modeling agent to find you and blow you up to stardom, you are setting your self up for grave disappointment in life. You know what? What makes you who you are is the "act" of doing what you love, not whether someone likes, purchases or agrees with your style. If you paint pictures and never sell a single painting you are still a painter. If you sing everyday, but you never make it on American Idol, you are still a singer. If you write a book that never becomes a New York Times Bestseller, you are still a writer. No one will ever believe in you until you learn to believe in yourself. You are what you do, not what you say you will do.
Secret # 9
Delete and remove all of the characteristics that have nothing to do with the real dream. For example, your dream may be to attend Harvard Law School, but you can't afford it, or maybe weren't accepted into their law program. You must ask yourself whether your dream is to attend Harvard School of Law or law school in general. You must then ask yourself whether your dream is to become a lawyer or attend Harvard. Are there other reputable law schools? If you decide that you only want to attend Harvard, do you believe in your heart that attending Harvard will validate your worth and intelligence as a human being. Are there any successful attorneys who did not attend Harvard? If you really want to be a lawyer get in where you fit in, do your God-given best, and start your own law practice! If your dream is to attend Harvard go visit the campus or get any available job that will allow you to be on campus.
I used the scenario of a law practice, but this is one of the biggest mistakes that I see a lot of people make when pursuing their dreams.
I am going to share a very painful story with to illustrate this point. After completing my bachelor's degree, I decided that my dream was to complete my doctorate degree. I had fallen madly in love with learning. I completed my first master's degree and applied for the doctoral program in sociology. I completed all of my course work for the program and passed my theoretical section of the doctoral exams. One of my professors said to me, "I am not asking you would you sleep with me, I am asking you could you sleep with me?" This professor misplaced my dissertation proposal several times before inquiring whether or not or I could or would sleep with him. He also made it a point to tell me that I was a breath of fresh air and the type of woman that would cause a man to leave his wife.
I didn't mind his sexual advances or him touching intimate parts of my body, I felt I could hold my breath and make it through the program. I was more concerned with him losing my proposal. When I felt in my spirit that I could not graduate from the program without submitting to his sexual advances, I did a very, very, very stupid thing. I filed a sexual harassment complaint. The dean and the ombudsman told me that I was committing political suicide by filing a formal complaint. They told me that I would never earn my doctorate from that university because I would be viewed as a trouble maker and a whistle blower.
I felt that I was right and that God was on my side and the "bad people" would surely pay for doing me wrong. One of the professors new to the program swore me to secrecy and informed me that I had been blackballed from the university. He went on to say that the entire faculty had been instructed to have no further contact with me and that he would lose his job for sharing this information. I will never forget this day. I was working as a grant-writer for a non-profit agency. While sitting at my desk and looking out of the huge window with bars in my office, I sobbed so deeply that I could barely catch my breath. I fail into the deepest depression of my life. I applied to other universities but they wanted me to repeat the majority of my classes or became disinterested after finding out why I did not complete the program.
I tried all of the reputable universities within the area. If I moved to a new location I would have lost the support of my family with child care for my two small children. I tried to forget about wanting my doctorate; however, I would see old friends or family members who would ask me about my progress in the doctoral program. Each time someone inquired about my dream to obtain my doctorate; a deep pain would travel from the bottom of my stomach make a throbbing rip in my heart, then pass through my swollen throat that would crack each time I tried to tell the story of how I was blackballed from the program. I couldn't live with such deep unhappiness.
I thought what will people think of me, if I earn my degree from a long distance learning institution? Will they think that I took the easy way out? Will they think that I am a loser? Will they think that I am dumb? Couldn't cut the mustard? I was angry with myself for filling a sexual harassment complaint. I reasoned, I have had sex with men whom I did not love and it did not include the perks of earning any type of degree, let alone my dream doctorate degree. I chastised myself for being naïve without thinking about the long term consequences of my behavior. The funny thing is, if I had slept with my professor and earned my doctorate from the "creditable" university, no one will have ever doubted or questioned my intelligence or integrity as a human being. I realized that my dream was to complete my doctorate degree. Not only did I change schools, I changed my major from sociology to psychology and studied an additional 5 years until I completed my doctorate in psychology.
I am now a full-time, tenured professor at a community college. Believe it or not, but the chair of my department graduated from the same university. On the day that she hired me, she said that out of all of the hundreds of applications she chose mine because we both had graduated from the same school. She lovingly refers to us as "sorority sisters". What if I had refused to attend California Coast University because it is not a traditional program? What if I had slept with my professor-- is there any guarantee that I would have my doctorate degree? Or worse yet, would I like and respect myself? You know what I love the most about this story? I don't have to tell the story of how-I-almost-graduated-with-my-doctorate-degree-but-failed.
Always keep your eye on the real prize. Don't be fooled by bells and whistles. Don't be blinded by insignificant details that don't matter. If you are riding a bike or catching a bus due to lack of money--you need transportation, you don't care if the car is green, purple or green and purple polka dot. Focus on what is the most important aspect of your dream and go after it with all of your heart.
Secret # 10
Don't dictate how, when or what your dream should look like when it manifests. Sometimes you will experience drawbacks that have nothing to do with your talent or ability. I have learned that many times incidents in your life that appear to be a failure or delay your dreams are really spiritual obstacles designed to give you an opportunity to develop psychological and emotional tools to handle the next level of manifesting your dream.
For example, I think I would have been a horrible, horrible, college instructor five years ago, because I hated my appearance; seven years ago, because I had not found the inner strength to complete my doctorate. I believe that before I could truly love and accept other people, I needed to love and accept myself. You will find that your level of success will correlate directly with your level of self-esteem. Your level of self-esteem will correlate directly with your level self-discipline. Self-discipline is having the ability to follow through on exactly what you say you are going to do.
Secret # 11
When you are doing your best, it is impossible to make mistakes. Imagine yourself using a cookie cutter to cut a star shape from the cookie dough. The dough left over are the perceived mistakes and errors that you make on the way to becoming a star. You see, you needed all of the dough in order to become a star. Each perceived mistake or error that you make is just life shaping, forming and directing you to the ultimate person that you want to be.
